I haven't bought much for our daughter: the thought of doing so has filled me with anxiety--actually it makes me kind of nauseated. What if our adoption takes forever? What if it all falls through? What if God pulls the rug out from under me? It's all too good to be true, somehow. All this can't really be happening, right?
Anyway, I've been thinking about this awfully dark side of mine. On President's Day, Michael and I had a talk. About hope. He said that, in our ironic and cynical culture, hope is the "lost virtue."
I think that hope has become a "lost virtue" in me. You would think I don't worship the God I do--the One who loves me, the One who's sovereign, the One who's always working evil into good.
And so, in direct defiance of my own pessimism, after our talk Michael and I stopped by a local children's consignment store........and I found just what I was looking for.
May I present to you, two tiny red baby Keds---- symbol of Jana's hope:
So, I'm still my cautious self. You're not going to come over anytime soon and see a finished nursery......and it'll be months til I let my dad order the ridiculously nice, totally awesome stroller he wants to get us.... But, let it be known by these here little baby shoes: I am choosing hope.
25 comments:
Those are so cute! And good for you!! I've also been doing a lot of window shopping, but have not been able to actually purchase anything for the baby. My husband suggested we get something small, as a symbol of our journey and what is to come, and I think, after reading this post, that it might be just what I need to do. It is so important not to lose hope.
Amen to this post - we absolutely resonate with this - we have been waiting almost 4 weeks, knowing there is a long way to go, and also not wanting to jump in too quickly to "getting the nursery ready", as many keep asking us...may there be peace in the waiting for you - we are with you!
I am so glad that you got the shoes! not only are they adorable, but I am glad to know you are choosing hope.
Also, i can't help but say that the stroller your dad wants to get is the most awesome stroller EVER! I look forward to the day when you make a post with a picture of your little girl sitting in it.
I am so excited for you, and although I have not adopted and am not in the process, I really resonate with the fear that whatever you have and hope for will be taken from you. Let us both continue to choose hope.
alright missy, I'd made it all of today without crying. I got a big lump in my throat earlier today while driving, thinking about how spring is coming and how I thought thing would be so different at this point, but I managed to squish that lump down. This post did it for me though. Congratulations.
(and I think I could have written this post...I was in this place for such a long time, came out of it December 18, and plunged deeply back in in January. I completely understand, and I think your allowing hope in is a brave, brave thing that I admire very much).
I love the little red keds- they are a wonderful symbol of hope, Jana. This is a great post, thank you for being transparent and honest.
I am thankful to have been called on this journey with your family- I can't wait to see your baby girl in those red keds too!!
That is a sweet stroller, I might add.
Not to sound vain or anything...but I do so love a baby wearing Keds.
Sure love you and think of that sweet little niece of mine daily.
THAT is awesome. Everything about it-- hoping, waiting, and buying awesome red keds. May the sweet little feet that will fill those shoes come to you quickly!
Thanks for being vulnerable Jana. I confess that 'hope' is a lost virtue for me as well.
Crying... Crying... Crying.
Sweet post Jana. Your red kids are too cute! You have a sweet heart... I too can't wait to see a picture of your baby girl sportin' the red keds!
Might I also add we heart our Maclaren stroller very much... the four buggy's in one is a new model since we got ours. They always come out with something cuter and better don't they... We still love ours and you will love yours. Yah for parents purchasing strollers! :)
and by parents I mean our parents, our children's grandparents. :)
Yah for them!
I LOVE your blog, and your post is very heartfelt. Your sister visited my blog and left your blog address. I am very glad she did :) We are adopting from Ethiopia, too... Are you guys with America World?
The kicks are way too cute... It won't be long before they are filled with two very precious feet!
Kelly
Jana, what a beautiful post. It made me cry for the sweet daughter that will be running in those shoes.
like kellsy said...even though i'm not adopting right now those are good words for all of us to hope...
i love you, sweet friend.
New to your blog- what an inspiring reminder of where we put our hope- our hope is in God! Not the process, not the Ethiopian government, not papers or caseworkers, but in the God full of loving-kindness towards His children- the one who knows the plans he has for us!
Hope, hope....In adoption its the only thing to snuggle up to. There is a baby at the end of all of this. I had some 'hope' items around my house for a long time.
Also we are loving our maclaren!!
oh...INFP's rock!! Well, actually we are bit to mellow to rock, but man can we do melancholy!
I choose hope too. I don't necessarily know my personality type, but although we have been waiting 20+ weeks, I haven't purchased one thing. Hmmmm
Thanks for the focus on hope. Maybe I'll do a little shopping.
Sharon
Jana, what a beautiful post. Thanks for sharing your thoughts so clearly and meaningfully. I loved every word...and the cute shoes. It hasn't even crossed my mind to shop, but now I'm considering it!
Hope is a great thing to choose! How wonderful it will be to see your beautiful little daughter in those shoes some day.
What a beautiful way to share your feelings! The artist in you comes out in your words as well as your art! I am hoping and praying for your sweet baby and the family you and Michael are longing to have.
Romans 8:28 has always comforted me...may it comfort you today.
I am so proud of you! That is huge and what a beautiful symbol of hope. You took a step of faith!
I too am an INFP. I knew I liked you :-) I have struggled with a fear of failure that paralyzes me. It keeps me from going after my dreams. So I decided to see a counselor and it's changed my life! My faith is growing! It's good to see that yours is too.
Jana-I love this post. At 23 weeks I haven't bought a thing and can relate to your fear of the unknown. I think infertility and losses can do that do a gal...but we do need to choose hope. Hannah told me I need to learn patience too. Much love and prayers to you as you continue to wait...and shop:)
you're beyond precious, jana. i love you so much! i see so much of myself in this post... i'm constantly wondering how long is going to let me feel good before he yanks it all back and i'm in the hospital again. (surprise surprise... i'm an ENFP... only one letter off).
i need to take lessons on this new hope you've got. and i adore the little shoes. what a perfect symbol of hope. you're wonderful :)
Heehee. Those Keds are the most precious thing ever!!
We should totaly meet up and chat at the Gladney thing! We are heading down there with the Bottomly's, it will be so fun to finaly meet all our fellow stalkers! :)
Oh....such a grea post.
Beautiful!
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