Today I read a great post by Carey, of The Drew Carey Show. She put her thoughts into words so well that I'm going to quote her here: (Thanks Carey.)
Are we the only ones who repeatedly hear the comment that now that we’ve adopted, watch out, we’re going to get pregnant? Suddenly, everyone knows someone who adopted and then whammo, got pregnant. Now I hate to burst anyone’s bubble, but just to be clear, adoption isn’t some really terrific form of fertility treatment. It doesn’t relieve stress (quite the contrary!), nor does it increase the odds of conception. Don’t get me wrong. We’re pretty much never put out by comments not intended to be offensive, critical, judgmental, etc. We have wonderful friends who are deeply interested in our lives and wildly enthusiastic about Miss Zoe. But for some reason, as entertained as I’ve become by its popularity, this particular theory hasn’t been sitting well with me – and I’ve figured out why. It somehow (albeit unintentionally) implies that adoption is Plan B. So for Zoe’s sake and on behalf of all our adoptive friends out there, I want to go on the record stating that adoption isn’t settling; it’s very much Plan A -- regardless of what path got you here. Here’s what’s great about a Plan A. It means it’s your first choice. It means you didn’t have to go with the alternative. A is the highest grade you can receive in school. Hooray for A.
I agree that to joke: "You know what's going to happen now--you're gonna get pregnant!" or to keep reassuring me that you're still praying for me to get pregnant, is to communicate that adoption is a fallback plan. A vaguely disappointing second choice.
It absolutely isn't.
We are thrilled. So, I agree with Carey--hurray for A!!
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13 comments:
Exactly! I wrote about this exact same thing last spring. We did not settle!
I hear what you are saying and agree. I am so excited for your Plan A and cannot wait to meet her.
I think sometimes people just talk to make conversation and they do not think beforehand. I know I do this sometimes but it is something I am working on. The majority of people that are saying this to you do not understand international adoption. Many of them are still living in the past when people did adopt as a second choice. But I bet the majority of those adoptive families would agree that once they adopted, it became their first and best, life changing choice.
I went through a similar thing with Boy3. The reaction of people when they found out we were expecting again was...so, you're going for the girl this time, huh? As if your family is not complete unless you have a boy and a girl.
Or after the ultrasound when we found out he was a boy, people said, Oh I am so sorry. Do you think you will try again for that girl?
I am a mother to three miracle little boys. I am complete with them. I do not need a little girl to make me more of a mother.
We have a little neice coming from Africa and that's all the little girl we need.
Love you sweet sister!
Preach it sister! I completely agree and posted about this very thing a while back. :) I kind of wish that everyone knew these things, and knew that we chose to adopt because there are millions of orphans who need loving families like us! That is why we are choosing to adopt it had nothing to do with fertility or infirtility!
Good post!
I am with you. We CHOSE to adopt our third and believe me it is much harder than having a baby. But I wouldn't trade little Mei Mei for anything. How could I make something so beautiful???
People just make comments and ask questions, thats what they do. Why adoption?? Why China?? Why a girl?? Isn't two enough??
The comment that makes my skin crawl for some reason is , "wow, that's so noble of you."
Loved it when I read it on Carey's blog- thank you for sharing it with more people. I love that the Lord creates families as only a sovereign, loving, just and merciful Father could:) It is His plan, so it is PERFECT right?
Yes, Carey did a very good thing writing this down. That "you're gonna get pregnant now" comment is *the one* that incenses me most, for all the reasons already stated. I actually read about a study done a few years back testing the theory that women who adopt then conceive, and the results showed *NO* correlation between the two. Stubborn ole me has actually thought more than a few times that I *wouldn't* want to get pregnant after our adoption just so we wouldn't be reinforcing that misperception that people have. It'd be sort of like Jerry Seinfeld returning that jacket "out of spite." Completely illogical.
That was a great post, I read it too and I totally agree!
agreed!
I love this! It is God's Plan and PLan A in our hearts. And we couldn'r be more excited!!!
People often say the "watch you get pregnant" comment to me...even those that know we have had 4 miscarriages!
See you soon-Natalie
what a strong message. i wish we dumb people would "get it" more often. glad to read such mind opening stuff. thanks for posting that.
:) i'm so excited for you guys, and i hope i've never implied that this is a second choice. i love that you're adopting... and if you do get pregnant somewhere down the road... that baby will be a whole different plan A.
whatever happens... i'm excited and i know you and michael are about to be the best parents in the world! :)
Great post! Thanks for giving me insight to the one more way I'm sure I've offended people. I get myself in trouble all the time.
Were you serious about Fern? I can totally change it. We've only called her that for a day. I'd do it for you, it's a great name.
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